Today I am reminded of Bellingham. I think it's the time of year, the temperature, the breeze, that reminds me of the walk I used to make at least once a day from my apartment to campus and back. I loved the neighborhood I lived in. It was full of big, old houses and big, sweeping views of the bay. There was a garden along the sidewalk that looked very uncared for, but, to be fair, most gardens start to look ragged this time of year. I watched the tomatoes grow and ripen. Every day when I walked past, I would be tempted to steal one of them. It certainly didn't look like anyone else cared. Finally, when the tomatoes were just right, and had been for several days, I picked one and ate it. It was amazing as are all homegrown tomatoes. I ate it alone. I walked took walks down to Boulevard Park. I went to the grocery store in Fairhaven. Today reminds me of that.

Today I don't have to be on campus, so I have plans to stay home and completely finish a project that is due on Monday. It's going to be hard, and it will be nice to get it over with. It's a journal review of sorts. I have a partner from class, and we're trying to work on it via Google Docs. I have showered and desperately want to clean my apartment. This is typical of me. I think I will allow myself to wash the bedding, but no other major cleaning duties until after the project is completed. Of course, now I'm writing on lj--one of my favorite forms of avoidance.

Yesterday I saw these two very chubby girls. One was eating a sandwich. One was drinking a Coke. They were not attractive, nor were they unattractive, but they were very chubby. They were sharing a lunch on a bench on campus. And right there, in front of all those people--students milling around--they were falling madly in love with each other. It was so sweet to see.

Today my car is in the shop, again. '09 has been a rough year for the old Alero. I've put a lot of money into it this year. Despite the advice of many people, I'm not getting a new car as of right now because buying a new car (with payments) would cost me over $3,000 a year...and that's being conservative. So, these repairs, while they add up and are inconvenient, are still much less than I new car would be. And, I still feel comfortable in my car. I would still take on a road trip with it. When I can't drive it home to Oregon anymore, that's when I'll need to assess whether or not I need a new car. 

Sometimes I think about how easy it would have been for us to stay together. He would have been my college sweetheart. We would have gotten married (no question--I loved him that much). I would have a life that looked like a lot of my friends' lives: a house, children, a husband, a middle-class life. It freaks me out how very easy it would have been, a few tiny shifts in choices we made, and that would have been my life. 

I think I would have been happy, but who really knows...I think I would have been happy.

In other news, I cannot stop dreaming about The Finn. I hadn't seen him in two years before he came to visit me this summer. I thought it would be fine. I thought I'd moved on. And I have. I don't think about him much at all. I'm planning a different life. Still, almost every night he is in my dreams (and it's worse since the visit). Not in some huge, romantic capacity. He is just always there with me. I wake up sad from these dreams. So far he has been my one big, unrequited love. And it's tragic. And it's sad. I know he's loved me back sometimes, but the mechanics of getting us at the same place at the same time seems impossible for both of us, we've agreed. Or, almost impossible, I should say.

I want a love like C & E.

And all I really wanted to say was that I'm going to my first football game today. Should be fun.

Today is the first day of school, and it comes with such dread (and excitement). No really. I'm excited for the readings and the discussions. I'm excited to teach yoga. I'm excited to meet my students and read over the syllabus and schedule with them. But, I dread writing a seminar paper. Those things are not worth the stress. 

I . am . getting . better .

And I must keep that in mind. Still.