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a tearful goodbye [Sep. 11th, 2012|10:44 pm]

After several months of good intentions, I have migrated to another blogging platform. It's possible that I might continue to post here from time to time. I do like the privacy. In the meantime, you can find me here:
If you have another blog or space to write, let me know and we can follow each other <3

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lightness and weight [Sep. 3rd, 2012|09:09 pm]
I've found myself alone again. After a weekend of emotional upheaval, I am getting back to my go-to solo routine. Did that sound sexual? Truly, it's been a very romantic weekend. I've turned my attention to finishing the book we started together. Then I watched Midnight in Paris, which was so completely lovely and escapist (but also a commentary on escapism too, I suppose). Also, and quite unintentionally, I've been eating the kinds of erotic foods one might read about in a tantric sex guide. I've practiced yoga every day. I've been embraced by friends and in-law-style family when I thought I wanted to be alone. Part of the time has felt out of my control, but also fun and whirlwind. For the other part, I've quietly kept my head in the clouds, thinking about love and lightness and weight. Longing for some tenderness. Longing to be tender with someone. My life has had a kind of precision and intensity and magic, like each interaction, each new person, is seeing me and talking to me in some sort of other dimension. It's feels like the plot and progression of a movie. Maybe it will last.
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a bad day [Jul. 6th, 2012|09:50 am]
Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. A bad day, but a necessary day. I participated in a custody hearing, and seeing a mother lose her child in a custody battle is one of the most heart wrenching things I've ever witnessed. This mother has reached a point in her life where the state and the people around her no longer feel she can properly care for her child, so the sadness was not from a sense of injustice, but from taking a glimpse into her personal hell. And of course maybe there is injustice on a larger, systemic level in the ways that poverty, neglect, abuse, and addiction all work together to help create a person who is just completely disempowered. It feels like a lose/lose situation, but the win is that one child will be better insulated from the worst type of people and the worst types of behaviors.
While it is easy to get angry at the lying and harmful behaviors, I also have to say that I admire her strength. I highly doubt I could go through what she's been through and struggle in the ways that she has struggled. I just doubt I would have the strength.
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a sad story [Jun. 19th, 2012|12:34 pm]
OMG, family is stressful. I've been in tears more than once, and I've only been here a week. Still, I love them and it's worth it and yadda yadda yadda. I'm trying to use this time to relax and rejuvenate, and to a certain extent, I am being successful.
Here's a sad thing: I love to read, but my job burns me out on reading so much that I rarely read anymore. Lately, enough time has passed since I've had the kind of heavy teaching/workload that requires me to read tens of hundreds of pages of student writing each semester. After several months of rest, I realized I wanted to read! I've been reading so much! I haven't read like this in years and years and years. I hope that my full-time job leaves me with enough energy to read for pleasure. I have been warned that pre-tenure is like graduate school, but worse, more stressful. I can't imagine that will be the case. I'm hoping it will be more of the same, with about one challenging first year where I learn the ropes. After that, I hope it is all very manageable and in check and taking up just the right amount of cognitive, emotional, and psychic energy that one's employment should take up. If such a balance is possible with anyone, it is possible with me.
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humour [May. 31st, 2012|01:44 pm]
As I prepare to leave this place, I realize that I have made very few good friends in the past four years here. Good friendship is almost always based in a shared sense of humor. Although I have built some strong, close relationships, they have not come close to the friendships I have found in my undergraduate years, my first graduate degree, or even my era as a part-time adjunct teacher. Some of the best potential here has been with married men, with whom I have no interest in being close. Not at this time, anyway. Maybe I blame the program. The Program has taken too much psychic energy to really allow me to find those close relationships. Anyway, I do not blame myself.
Last night at dinner, a weekly ritual with people for whom I have warm and friendly thoughts, I stumbled in the conversation. I wanted to talk excitedly about the art, the times, the sexual exploits of Patti Smith's 1970s New York City. The conversation fell flat, couldn't really get off it's feet. Maybe they weren't interested. Maybe I was being inarticulate.
Oftentimes, I try to put to words the surprising role that capitalism plays in my psyche and deepest pleasures. This was a profound realization that came after spending a few summer months in Europe. It was the same kind of realization that one has after realizing her or his own participation and complacency in, say, institutionalized racism. As I try to share these thoughts, I get strange looks, like, she must be a republican or something, then disregarded.
My own inarticulateness (and to be fair I am getting worse) and the lack of humor (not altogether missing, but not what it could be) has been a defining aspect of friendships and the last four years.
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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2012|10:21 pm]
I've been researching platforms for my new blog. For some reason, starting a blog seems necessary, but completely nerve wracking. It seems much more public than livejournal, although it really doesn't have to be. I also feel like I can be overly emotional here, which I enjoy tremendously.
In the meantime, I am lazing about reading and enjoying doing nothing. Gloating in post-graduation bliss. Daydreaming about a new life in a new state. Analyzing photos of the new place I have rented sight unseen.
I spent the last week with my sometimes lover, always love. In his wake, and this happens every time, I remember and strongly regret any of the moments when I was ever withholding. I also remember and strongly appreciate all the beautiful things about him. I sleep on his side.
Maybe I will just stick to LJ.
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(no subject) [Mar. 26th, 2012|04:30 pm]
I think I'm going to switch over to a blog and leave LJ behind. Not now, but soon. I don't like their new format of only showing posts from the last two weeks. It makes this space feel ghostly. The new blog will document the Next Phase of my life - when I am no longer a student.
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stress dreams [Feb. 24th, 2012|02:56 pm]
I mentioned earlier that I am a planner. So not knowing what I'm going to be doing in the next few months is particularly challenging to me. Next week I have an on campus interview. Mostly, I feel comfortable and excited about it, but last night I had a series of stress dreams that indicate otherwise. In the dreams, I was too hungry, too hot, too cold, too bloated. I was sweating profusely, so much so that my white button up shirt became soaked. Then, the armpits of my blazer turned dark from sweat. Even the crotch, waist, and knees of my pants became wet with sweat. There was no way to dry off, and I walked around all day in wet clothes. Sometimes I had too much time to kill. Other times, I was running late, racing down the halls. There was a good deal of physical trembling on my part. In the dream, I needed yoga in the hotel, but didn't have a mat. And, in real life I know I won't have a mat because it won't fit in my carry on luggage. So, yeah.
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disposal [Feb. 19th, 2012|09:51 pm]
We lost a ewe today. One of my big life goals is to run a sheep farm someday. That might be in the next year. That might be in 20 years. Maybe it will be a sheep dairy! That said, one of the worries I have about raising livestock is that 1) animals die, and 2) sometimes you have to kill them to put them out of their misery. Since we lost a ewe today, it was on my mind. I began to research how to dispose of livestock. This is gory reading, let me tell you. Still, it seemed...manageable. Burial seems like the best option, but most livestock die during the winter, when the ground is frozen. Composting seems like the next best option. But, you would definitely have to be set up for it beforehand. And there's the work of turning it and dealing with it for what? A year? Getting the animal to the burial or compost spot would be just horrifying work any way you look at it.
The take away is that if I'm going to have sheep, I should probably try to raise a small breed of sheep, one that I could handle physically if I had to. The sheep I'm used are on the big end, weighing nearly 300 pounds.
I wish there was an easier way. More than anything, I wish this wasn't one of the things I'll have to deal with.
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the fog [Feb. 12th, 2012|11:52 am]
Despite cough and fever, I interviewed well enough for an on campus interview at one of the few places where I can actually see myself working. Last night, the cold moved from my lungs to my sinuses. My head is still in a fog. I was up on and off last night and slept until late this morning. After a week of excitedly "seeing" myself at this new place, last night I had doubts. What if I can't find the right place to live? The thing about this city is that it is somewhat illusory. It is friendly to walkers, but each block stretches on for a quarter mile. What seems only a few blocks away, is, in reality, miles. The cultural pressures there are strange, there's no getting around that. The urban sprawl is a nightmare. I cannot end up in it. So, while the week before was about hope and possibility, last night was about worry and pessimism. I will undoubtedly go through a lot more of this back and forth before I actually get a job and move to where ever it is that I'm going to go next. Once this cold improves, I'll have a better frame of mind about everything.
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